Overwhelmed

            I was in my alma mater today .. and incidentally got talking with an MBBS student .. she was awed when she heard I was a past MBBS student from the same college and now MD Pediatrics with a Fellowship in Pediatric Endocrinology.. somehow I felt undeserving of that emotion ..  Am I a big deal in the medical world ? What has it really translated into ?  I have all these years of training and labour and sweat .. has it shaped me better, have I evolved or have I also embibed cynicism and a touch of bitterness on the way ?

She went on to ask me what had kept me motivated to achieve what I have .. and I muttered something about it not being as great as it appears. . she was a little disbelieving .. I told her it's been a long and arduous journey .. and Im still to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

She opened up about her problems then .. being holed up in a roomful of 10 in a strange city; facing sleepless nights ; unhygienic living conditions; lack of guidance and good teachers ; barely passing her exams ; doubting herself and her vocation every day; .. it was like I was seeing myself 12 yrs ago maybe a little less forlorn .. because I had good solid funny friends who had my back but it wasn't easy for me either.. not in MBBS and it just got worse during MD and then fellowship ... I became cynical about people as I saw uninspiring seniors and faculty embroiled in their egoistic ambition; when I had to shelve my hobbies and passions so I would not be distracted from never ending academics. Its been 13 years Iv been training myself .. does feel like a “vanvaas” of sorts.. although I feel I'm well trained it hasn't really translated into anything solid yet.. something me and my family can be proud of .. it's like we are beautiful performers and we’r adding finesse to our act everyday but there is no one to see or appreciate us..

 I found myself laying out my woes on a platter for her .. how the profession is physically and emotionally taxing ... Overwhelming and all encompassing that threatens all the time to lay ruin to ones family and social life .. Public, media and government slowly becoming our enemy ..miserly pay..  lack of a support system .. poor working environment.. professional jealousy ...litigations ..  public distrust ..years of compulsory bond. The same corrupt lazy system at whose mercy we are, ironically, expects quick, effective and up-to-date management from doctors who are, again, it's products .. and yet we manage to retain our efficiency despite the inhumane conditions in which we work .. 

            It’s a little overwhelming how many hats we’v to don as doctors .. apart from an updated knowledge of medicine, we have to have a decent hang of law, computer skills, ethics, humanities, scientific research, teaching, public speaking, social service , administration , policy making . And yet the system devalues one of its most efficient workers and turns them bitter so that a healthy work environment is never a possibility .. it does not allow human potential to flourish .. it restricts personal and professional growth .

We discussed the case of the resident who committed suicide . And the way media played the incident over to create a casteism issue and the real culprits - the administration and the system were not even scrutinized .. had someone focussed on her horrendous living and working conditions and her prior psychiatric health .. but it served a political purpose to say she was ragged in the name of caste ..

Doctors are becoming scapegoats in a dishonest malevolent world .... We are expected to take everything in our stride .. brave the competition..accept the unfair chances we are given in the name of reservation .. the condescending behaviour of the administration .. the wretched behaviour and procrastination of the office staff . An average doctor in India goes through atleast 3-4 strikes in his training years and comes out disillusioned that any change will ever be brought about ... when the govt declares that it spends a crore (really ? )on each medical students training, it forgets to count the number of hours of dirt cheap labour it gets from the same students as post graduates( Interns  are paid rs 2500 per month)

Is it only doctors whose training is paid for by govt, are IIT engineers sent to rural areas to pay off their 'debt' to the government?

  When the court says security of doctors is not a matter of importance after an epidemic of assault cases on doctors, we feel completely orphaned but have nowhere to go.. 

 A doctor in this country undergoes a complete devaluation before he can resurrect himself in the world and even then he is chided for “working for money” or enjoying any comforts of life.. because according to the politicians and celebrities in this country (the self appointed moral police), a doctor is here to suffer and alleviate others sufferings without expecting anything in return. We really weren’t aware we would have to take on Jesus’s role or we wouldn’t have signed up for it perhaps !              

At the end of the long discourse, she told me she has been seriously considering change of vocation after graduation for a very long time but had been unable to open up about it  .. I hesitated not a moment to support her decision and reinforced it in fact .. anyone without a caste certificate or without power or insane money should not be hurling themselves into this corrupt mismanaged and unrewarding medical system ..  It's just not worth it